There are many issues that surface for individuals when they are faced with divorce. Some people struggle because they don't want their marriage to end, whereas others might have wanted to divorce, only to face unexpected challenges. Read through some of the Quick Assessment items at the right to see some of the many common struggles or questions that occur surrounding divorce.
If you find many of these questions have come up for you, we can help. These are common questions people face in the process of divorce and afterwards. With the high divorce rates in society this is becoming more of a parenting issue than ever before. We have years of experience helping people with divorce issues.
We can help with issues from small divorce concerns all the way to high conflict divorce. We have helped people sort out issues for themselves to recover emotionally. We have helped people understand the stress, anger, depression, and parenting that need to change because of divorce. We have helped build coping skills. We have helped with family skills. We have helped with communication in a way that helps you sorting facts from feelings.
If you have feelings of loss, failure, or not being good enough, these are normal reactions to this big event in your life. Learning how to sort out these feelings into manageable parts so they can be addressed is another important skill you can learn. Your feelings are logical and have very predictable rules. You can learn this skill just like any of the other things you have learned in life and use it to your advantage.
Sorting out what the children are going through is another task that comes with adjusting to divorce. Children need a predictable routine, discipline, and relationship with you. It is common for parents to feel grief at this loss and to give in to children’s acting out. The children are testing limits to establish some safety again. They often do not have the skills to discuss what is happening verbally so they act out their feelings.
Learning how to be firm and caring is especially tough at this time. There is caring by doing and there is caring that is separate from doing. As a parent you have two jobs with your children: the first is to love them and the second is teaching them how to be successful adults. Routine, structure, and discipline that is consistent, establishes you love them and care for their safety. Then teaching them how to be responsible allows them to be successful as adults.
Children have different needs at different ages. Infants need someone to consistently respond to their needs and feelings. Young children need to know they cannot get away with using the other parent to get out of their duties at home. Teenagers need to be allowed to have a social network regardless of whose house they are spending the weekend. All children need limits and rules to learn how to deal with life as an adult. The world is not going to give them anything more than it gives you as an adult.
Make the children’s home life match reality. They need to learn to communicate and relate to you so they can relate to their peers and future employers. They need to learn to do tasks (chores) even if they don’t want to do them. This is laying the foundation to work a job that may have parts they don’t necessarily like to do. It is ok to love your children but the more you protect them from the real world the more they will need to figure it out later. The cost of learning usually goes up with age. Let them handle as much as they can for their age. Check with them to see how they would solve the issue, then be curious how they will solve the (hypothetical) problem you are worried will happen to them.
Children need to have their own feelings and thoughts. They are separate from yours. Be curious about how they see things, like you were when they were toddlers discovering the house. This can allow you to bring the fun back into parenting again.
Sharing sports, vacations, holidays, and birthdays are difficult. You will have to deal with these things the rest of the children’s life. How do they do this or that? How do I cope with my ex-spouse being at these things or do I take turns being at these things. It is good to check your own heart first. Sort out your own heart on these issues and then you can listen to your children. Once you have a sense of what is you and what is the children’s issues you can make better decisions about what to discuss with your ex-spouse.
Schedule an initial consultation if you would like more help from a trained expert. There is no reason to continue to struggle with these difficult issues alone. Experience the relief of letting go of this pain and sorting your life out. Be the parent you want to be again. Help the children to be the best they can be even if they have to go through this loss too. We now you care and can help that come through for the children. We understand the tangle of thoughts and feelings you experience. Let our experience help you learn skills to recover quickly from the terrible pain of divorce. It is not to late.
- I don’t want this to happen. What are my options?
- I am depressed. When will this end?
- How do I reach some sense of peace after this much pain?
- What do my kids need from me now?
- My kids are really acting out. Is this normal?
- How do I help the children adjust to our divorce?
- What are step children issues I should watch for?
- How do we share holidays so the children don’t have to deal with our tension at those times of the year?
- At what age should I let the children have a say about the visits?
- What do I do with feelings of anger?
- What do I do with feelings of loss?
- How do I talk with my children about it?
- How do I not be controlled anymore?
- What are other people thinking about me?
- There is a step-parent in the children’s life now. What do I do if they call her “mom” or call him “dad”?
- How do I respond to the children when they tell me things that are happening at the other house which I don’t like?
- I am thinking of dating again. How will that impact the children?
- How soon can I get on with my life?